Announcing My Candidacy for the US Senate

"We can get the stains out"

Thank you. Thank you and thank you, please be seated. Thank you. [Points at random person in crowd, feigns recognition.]

I thank Kid Rock for that very generous introduction and for all the support that you and your stripper escorts have given me. You know that America is greatly indebted to Mr. Rock for his years of courageous and visionary … rap/rock/country stuff. You brew beer too, right? Cool.

Anyhoo, with Kyrsten Sinema’s announcement that she will not seek re-election as US Senator from the great state of Arizona, many, many people have recommended that I throw my hat in the ring. So many people.

Sen. Sinema would probably call that “humbling” or something, but, come on, I’d be awesome. I live in Arizona, I’m over 30, and I have freelanced for a couple of lobbyists, so I pass constitutional muster. The gig also pays $174K a year, which is a far site better than my writing gig. I’m just glad my kids like ramen.

And I am so pleased to be making this announcement at Cartel Coffee Lab in suburban Tempe, Arizona, ‘cause my free plug should cover some of my debts. [Looks to barista, points to empty demitasse.]

You know, the first time I spoke to a group this large was at my jury trial for that donkey incident at Arizona State. Hopefully, this speech will go a little better so I can give DC a few tips on criminal justice reform.

I often return to one thing I said way back then, after all the screaming and crying: that justice is the art of making possible what appears to be impossible. I still believe that today. We just need the vision, the passion, and the will to see the possibilities beyond our grandparents’ dreams of the moral arc through forbearance and hope in the shining city on …  I don’t remember all of it, but it was inspiring.

The gist was that, yes, the donkey died horribly and the trampoline couldn’t be saved, but we should look instead to the challenges that lie ahead. We can strengthen our community. We can inspire our children. We can get the stains out.

Now, I know some people are asking why I’m doing this here and now, and that’s a fair question. In addition to the money, there are problems I intend to solve. Mandate a decent Mexican restaurant in the Beltway. Replace the national anthem with “Ace of Spades” by Motörhead. Invade Belgium.

That’s a lot to accomplish over five six-year terms, but I figure by 2048 you’ll have forgotten these promises. And by then I will have inexplicably become a multi-millionaire; such is my dedication as a public servant.

For those reading this announcement on Substack, have no fear — I will continue to provide world-class commentary at factory-to-you prices. Not only will this create new income flows, I’ll have plenty of time to work when the Senate is in session Tuesday through Thursday, except for spring break, summer vacation, fall break, and all months with holidays. The Senate is mostly dumb meetings anyway, and if I’m not dazzling you with my prose, I’d just be watching YouTube documentaries about ‘90s bands.

In conclusion, give me money. I need like $50 million and don’t want to ask twice. There are apparently rules about graft, but if you happen slip me an envelope full of cash and there happens to be some proposed legislation in there…

God bless Arizona, God bless America, and please visit www dot cartel coffee lab dot com. [Looks at barista, points to still empty demitasse.]